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HELLO INTERNET!
ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE, I'VE ACTUALLY SAT DOWN TO WRITE ABOUT MY SPIRITUAL GROWTH.
I THINK THE LAST TIME I POSTED A ENTRY WAS IN 2014.

HERE'S THE THING. THROUGHOUT THIS YEAR I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT MANY THINGS.
1. HOW IS IT THAT LIFE CAN CHANGE?
2. PEOPLE DIE.
3. LIVING THE GOSPEL IS HARD.
4. THE CHURCH IS PERFECT, BUT THE PEOPLE IN IT AREN'T.
5. MY DREAMS CAN WAIT FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

6.  DEPRESSION IS REAL.


I'm not going to write about 1-5.  I'll write about 6.

Depression is Real:

I woke up one day and decided that my attitude towards life had to change. Following through hasn't been the easiest thing to do. Having unhealthy relationships don't help. Not being able to help the ones you love. People tell you, "you need to endure to the end.", they say "put your trust on the lord.", they say "be more like Christ.".

here's the thing
people tell you those things but they don't tell you how hard it is to follow the word of Christ. I have not missed a day at church, but sometimes I feel like I should. sometimes I feel like changing wards would make it easier. changing wards would make me feel better. I believe that the church is true but I don't want to believe that one person could represent the church. like I wrote I do go to church.

the lord works in mysterious ways .... i'm praying that something will change.

Here's to you!

If I'm ever gone, you'll miss me like I'll miss you. Even if you have doubted our friendship, yes I miss you. If you've ever gotten to know me, you know that I get mad for no reason and that I'll get over it. What I've learn from what I've gone through in life, is that no matter how bad you treated me or much you loved me, I lived, I was there, I smiled. Writing this isn't a sad song, a sad letter, or a sad goodbye, but a hello from me. The hello some people haven't heard, a smile some haven't seen.

Here's to you! My peers:
If I was to ask you, have you lived? Have you smiled? Have you seen the light of day? I sure hope the answer is yes. If not. Say "GOODBYE DEPRESSION" I don't want you anymore, scoot, shut, "I AM BETTER THAN THIS" I cannot control what happens in the world but I could control how I live this life, MY LIFE. So, if I was to ask you again. Have you lived? Have you smiled? Have you seen the light of day? I hope your answer is "Yes, I have lived. Yes, I did smile. Yes I saw the light of day, I got fresh air."

Here's to you, my love:
I've seen the stars, the sky, the moon. I've seen sunlight in your eyes. I remember all the late talks, early morning walks, and afternoon lunch. Have you asked yourself, how did this happen? How did we meet? To be honest I know I have. I've been happy, I've been sad, I've been mad, but mostly I have laughed. I have loved and I've been loved. So, thank you. Just know that in between my whatevers, anyways, anywhos, and okays. I have always loved you.

Here's to you, my family:
I have heard the stories, of who's to remember when's. I've seen the change of each of your hearts, some have been broken, and some have been have been fully taken over. I have plenty of dreams. I have loved fully. I've seen what everyone can do, even if you don't realize your own potential. I've gotten mad at some of you, and no, I don't hate you, in fact I love you, I love all of you. I'm sorry I have been stubborn, I've made a lot of mistakes. I am imperfect. I've gone through life trying to live to the expectations or standards of what you want me to be. I just want to make you proud.

My life has been one over played country song, filled with love, disappointments, and happiness. I know that things happen for us to learn or us to learn. Heartbreaks, failure, love, happiness, sorrow. It all has a purpose. We just don't know it when it happens. We don't know what a blessing is until the world has been destroyed in front of us. We don't know how happy we are until we have hit rock bottom. Forgive your enemies and love your friends. Here's to you, you've made me so happy when it mattered, you've made me cry when I deserved it. Chances are... you probably won't read this, but if you do discover it make sure that everyone could read this page.

But for now, hold me like you mean it. Do it until you believe it, and maybe we will be able to fill that empty part. The time has come at last, to rest my heart and ease my past. I can't take what's not mine. I've chased my dreams and I've stood my ground, but I can't do that anymore.

Here's my last goodbye, until we meet again.

Even on my worst nights.

I know there may be times when we feel like everything is going wrong. We don't have the mind to look at the big picture, we just make decisions without thinking. I am one who much rather runaway and hide and write it out. But, there are some where it doesn't really matter they just stick to everything is wrong, it can't be done right again, why am I so stupid. But lets be real we are selfish all we care about it feeling good. I was reading this book, in which it stated that all animals go towards pleasure and if it isn't pleasure it isn't real.
As a latter day saint I know that, that temptations will come and I will have to be strong to say no. I have to always try my best to be my very best. I must endure to the end. It's a challenge but I think about all the blessings that Heavenly Father has given me, when I don't deserve it and when I do. Even in my worst nights I know that I'm not alone. Although it's hard to believe when you can't see it, but I could feel that its real.
When my doubts start rushing in I remember that it's so much easier not to do the right thing, but it is a lot harder to do the right. I am human I do make mistakes, we sin everyday, that's why its important to have constant communication with Our Heavenly Father.  I know that at times we cannot fold our arms put our head down or kneel down, we remember to stay humble.

Hope

If I was to ask you,  to look inside your heart? How are you feeling? What are you thinking about?
Are you shy? Are you happy? Are you mad? Are you sad? Are you confused? What do you want? Are you contemplating the past? What's going on? You are not the same person you were last year. What's different? Tell me, I want to help you. I can't help you, if you keep shutting me out. Do you need a new beginning? Or is it something simple, do you need some space? Do you need time to do some soul searching?

I'll help you out. Let me, share what's going on inside me. No one is ever going to tell you what is really going on. They will sugar coat it, but not me.
For the past few days, I've been thinking about everything. I've been trying to figure out, what happened? Why did we come this far? Something changed inside of me, I used to admire how strong you were. It was probably the ignorance, but the blinds are off. I've fallen straight down, its shattered my dreams. Is it something serious? Maybe. I can't help you anymore, I just can't. I hurt myself more every time I see you there. I can't tell you what to do, I am not your mother. I'm your daughter. It's a commandment to "honor your mother and your father". It's also a commandment to "love thy neighbor, like you love thyself." I'm sorry I can't anymore. I've tried so hard to keep everything inside. I used to see you walk in our front door, and with excitement I'd ask you " hi, how was work?" but now I run away, straight to my room. I don't know why I do it.  I think its because I want to keep the image of how you used to be.  I still love you, but I just need some time to recollect my thoughts, fears, and my shattered heart. Although it sounds like I'm giving up, I'm not.
As I sit here, writing this I wonder. Why has your heart changed? What happened? I don't know what to do anymore. My heart is telling me to let it go, that everything will be o'right.

"When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn, there is the temptation to ask the question “Why me?” At times there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, no sunrise to end the night’s darkness. We feel encompassed by the disappointment of shattered dreams and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea, “Is there no balm in Gilead?”  We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We become impatient for a solution to our problems, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required.

The difficulties which come to us present us with the real test of our ability to endure. A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter, or shall I finish? Some do falter as they find themselves unable to rise above their challenges. To finish involves enduring to the very end of life itself.

As we ponder the events that can befall all of us, we can say with Job of old, “Man is born unto trouble.” Job was a “perfect and upright” man who “feared God, and eschewed evil.” Pious in his conduct, prosperous in his fortune, Job was to face a test which could have destroyed anyone. Shorn of his possessions, scorned by his friends, afflicted by his suffering, shattered by the loss of his family, he was urged to “curse God, and die.” He resisted this temptation and declared from the depths of his noble soul:

“Behold, my witness is in heaven, and my record is on high.”

“I know that my redeemer liveth.”

Job kept the faith. Will we do likewise as we face those challenges which will be ours?

Whenever we are inclined to feel burdened down with the blows of life, let us remember that others have passed the same way, have endured, and then have overcome." -THOMAS S. MONSON

I write these things with tears in my eyes and with hope that we could overcome any obstacles. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father doesn't give us anything we can't handle.

 

Don't run out of faith

Hello world. 

It's been a while since I've sat down to think what the world has to offer, what I have to offer. 

I know that as a Latter-day Saint it's best to choose the right, but I also know that being part of the outside world, isn't always easy to go the extra mile to do or choose the right. If we were all to do the "right", the world would be filled of chaos; just because what is "right" in my culture or religion, isn't "right" to others. Morality is different all over the world. 

What would you do if "DOING THE RIGHT" is doing the wrong thing under the eyes of others? If "DOING THE RIGHT THING" is really just not doing anything at all. The world sees the sinner and points. The world sees the sinner and judges. The world sees the righteous as the sinner. The world sees what we think should stay holy and tries to destroy something so perfect to make it irreverent.  

President Thomas S. Monson encourages you to "DARE TO STAND ALONE"

 The world has a lot to offer, but the church offers us security, love, and a home. Maybe the church doesn't offer materialistic things but its right on point on how to grow spiritually, it's right on point to making us better people.  

"We may at times find ourselves surrounded by others and yet standing in the minority or even standing alone concerning what is acceptable and what is not," he said. "Do we have the moral courage to stand firm for our beliefs, even if by so doing we must stand alone? As holders of the priesthood of God it is essential that we are able to face — with courage — whatever challenges come our way."
"If our testimonies are not firmly enough rooted, such criticisms can cause us to doubt our own beliefs or to waver in our resolves," he warned, citing Lehi's vision of the tree of life in 1 Nephi 8, in which residents of the "great and spacious building" were seen mocking those who had partaken of the fruit, which is the love of God. Some of those mocked were ashamed and fell away into forbidden paths.
"What a powerful tool of the adversary is ridicule and mockery!"

Remember that you are not alone, Our Heavenly Father is always there rain or shine.  Temptations lose their power. Just when you feel like your lacking faith, remember that through prayer and through the scriptures you'll find comfort and strength.

Do what's right

Heavenly Father is Infinite, we are Finite. We are not an Exception. Meaning that He is perfect, and we are imperfect. We make mistakes, but if we do things right we will get to learn from those mistakes and grow. Being a Latter-day Saint doesn't mean we are always right, it doesn't mean we have the answers to all the questions in the world. Being a Latter-day Saint just means that we are trying to be more like Christ.

If there is one thing that I learned this year is that, God's love is infinite. I may not be sure of tomorrow but I am sure that with Him by my side, I am ready to conquer the whole world. Nobody has said that this journey will be easy, if we keep wondering why or questioning our every thought we will get nowhere.

If my heart tells me that this is right and this is the truth, I am standing by the truth. In the Latter-days the immoral will seem moral, and the moral will be prohibited. If we aren't sure about anything, we have to pray for guidance. I know that Love is all that matters after everything has been said and done, I know that Patience is gained through trials, I know that Faithfulness is gained through trials, I know that Hope has been gained through loss. Strength has been the outcome of many things but there is one BIG thing we've gained strength from striving to be more like Christ. I hear primary teachers tell the students in church, when they get baptized "you have to choose the right in whatever you do".  

Do What Is Right  Hymn #237

Do what is right; the day-dawn is breaking,
Hailing a future of freedom and light.
Angels above us are silent notes taking
Of ev'ry action; then do what is right!
(Chorus)
Do what is right; let the consequence follow.
Battle for freedom in spirit and might;
And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.
God will protect you; then do what is right!

Do what is right; the shackles are falling.
Chains of the bondsmen no longer are bright;
Lightened by hope, soon they'll cease to be galling.
Truth goeth onward; then do what is right!
(Chorus)
Do what is right; let the consequence follow.
Battle for freedom in spirit and might;
And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.
God will protect you; then do what is right!

Do what is right; be faithful and fearless.
Onward, press onward, the goal is in sight.
Eyes that are wet now, ere long will be tearless.
Blessings await you in doing what's right!
(Chorus)
Do what is right; let the consequence follow.
Battle for freedom in spirit and might;
And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.
God will protect you; then do what is right!

Searching for something Greater.

"The fool has said in his heart 'There is no God'" (Psalms 14:1)
Lord, you who understands the why we believe and the why we have faith, tell me that there's something so much greater waiting to happen. Something so great we can't grasp the concept of the why it hasn't come to us yet. I want to believe that there is something greater waiting to happen, but its hard when everything is going so wrong, looking at the positive is so much easier said then done. I know that everyone has doubts, but as of today I have one huge question. I've been waiting for an answer.

Timing is everything that I'm certain of. I could call it fate or destiny, but it also feels like its a mystery. I've had close calls when I have asked myself so many questions, from why to how to what. So many times when I do feel like giving up, to forget the whole enduring to the end. Again its so much easier said then done. I just can't get my head around how this came to be. I thought I was so strong, I thought I knew the reason why? I'm here standing tall waiting for something bad to come to tumble me down.

I know that questioning myself is something that I shouldn't be doing. My heart tells me that there is a God, but my eyes are my worst enemies, they're deceiving me. It's tricky because I am more than certain that I'm standing in all the right places. I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I don't know how life should be lived, but I do know all the right things to make it a righteous one. I may not be perfect but I'm trying to reach perfection by following a holy path. I'm not rich, but I have the most amazing treasure, my most valuable possession The Gospel.

One doesn't truly value the concept of real love when we are focused on all the wrong things. Timing is everything and I'm so tired of saying this quote. I know so many things are yet to come towards my path. Maybe not today or tomorrow but when the time is right. Even if as of right now I feel like I'm all alone in the dark of night.
Lately I've found this quote to be true.
"You will one day stand aside and look at your difficult times, and you will realize that He was always there beside you." - Pres. Thomas S. Monson


"Be not afraid, only believe"(mark 5:36)
I know without a doubt that Our Heavenly Father loves, I know that if you seek you will find. I also know that Perfect love is perfectly patient. So even the fool admits that there is something greater. Lord our God, you exist so truly.